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I have always found computers to very interesting. I started as a computer programmer back in the early 80's on main frame computer IBM 360. I then worked on a mini computer. My favorite computer system of all is the current PC. My daughter likes the MAC best. Thursday, May 13, 1999 ~ Computer Cliches 1. Home is where you 'ang your @ 2. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 3. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 4. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 5. C:\ is the root of all directories. 6. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 7. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 8. The geek shall inherit the earth. 9. A chat has nine lives. 10. Don't byte off more than you can view. 11. Fax is stranger than fiction. 12. What boots up must come down. 13. In Gates we trust. 14. Virtual reality is its own reward. 15. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 16. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 17. Speed thrills. And my personal - all time favorite! 18. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. Thanks Blue! |
A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi... Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to "The Internet".
Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech
Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right. Now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons. I'm a Protestant,
and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant
to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file
cabinet.. is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [Click]
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..." Tech Support: "All right
then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!" Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and
now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File', then 'New Game'."
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Received from Monica Subjak. Thanks GCFL!
WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL BOOKS?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last
resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet
pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts
your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then
your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the
button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the
side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro-code instructions
cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom. Thanks Jane!
Thursday, April 08, 1999 ~ From an ex-field sales/support survivor:
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply."
Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this."
Service Rep: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem."
Customer: "I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS."
[After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: "Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer."
[Customer does this] Customer: "It is still smoking."
Service Rep: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE."
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: "Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost...."
Received from Jennifer Maniscalco. Thanks GCFL!
Wife 1.0 ~ Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker- night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Dear Sir- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Thanks AmyAre computers Male or Female? (8 March 1999)
A man who had previously been a sailor, and was now an "academic"
was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her."
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was composed of women, and the second of men.
Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Thank
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